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CROSSANS ~ Hellraisers of Castlemilk

California Kids

Home
Pt. I - Crossans
Scotland
Celtic Myths
Gàidhlig
My Family
Hellraisers
Karrie Brigitte
Dedication
Farewell
Memories
Pt. II - Prologue
Sorrow's Journey
Living Years
Razor's Edge
Tempestuous
Stark Raving Madness
Shattered Illusions
Storms of Fate
Pt. III - Preface
Ch.1 - Dublin
Ch.2 - Rose
Ch.3 - James
Ch.4 - Sons of the Gael
Ch.5 - Glasgow
Hellions' Crucible
Ch.6 - The Hellraisers
The Tale
Sláinte
A Scot's Farewell
Our Story
Love a Crossan
Pt. IV - Contact Me
Shrewish Tales
R U Daft?
California Kids
Happy New Year!
BeMy...

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 CALIFORNIA

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 FROM BEVERLY HILLS-BABY!

 

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SURF'S UP,

 

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LA LIFE

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PIPELINE!

 

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RIDE!

 

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MADNESS OF LA LIVING

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The BANE

of OUR EXISTENCE:

 

CELL PHONES!

 

 

 

SMOKING BAN

 

30 DAYS IN STOCKADE

TO SHAME

SMOKING VIOLATORS!

 

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Hey, Lady,

ya wanna fuck?

 

 

Gee! 

I don’t know.

Maybe…

 

This sure is a FRIENDLY town!

 

"BODY HEAT"

 

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WHOA, DUDE!

 

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Blonde Moment in LA......

 

What is the first thing a blonde does

after a bad car accident?

 

Turn off the ignition?

NO 

Get away from the car in case it explodes?

NO

Call 911 on her cell phone?

NO

 

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A WEEK AT THE GYM –

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ONE MAN'S STORY:

 

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted

to get into a REGULAR WORKOUT ROUTINE.

 
     

     
 

 

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>Dear Diary,

 

>For my 65th birthday this year, my wife (THE DEAR) purchased

a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing

on my college tennis team 45 years ago,

I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations

with a personal trainer named Belinda,

who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor

and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

 

 

>MONDAY

 

 

>Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed,

but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find

Belinda waiting for me.

She is something of a Greek goddess –

with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.

 She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.

She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast,

but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit.

 I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted

her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,

 all though my gut was already aching from holding it in

the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

 

>TUESDAY

 

>I drank a whole pot of coffee,

 but I finally made it out the door.

Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar

into the air -- then she put weights on it!

My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,

but I made the full mile.

Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.

 I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

 

>WEDNESDAY

 

>The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush

 on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.

 I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.

 Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.

 I parked on top of a LEXUS in the club parking lot.

 

Belinda was impatient with me,

insisting that my screams bothered other club members.

Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning

 and when she scolds,

She gets this nasally whine that is VERY ANNOYING.

 

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill,

so Belinda put me on the stair monster.

Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate

an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?

Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other SHIT, too.

 

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>THURSDAY

 

>Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth

 exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.

 I couldn't help being a half an hour late,

it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells.

When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.

 She sent Lars to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine --

which I sank.

 

>FRIDAY

 

I HATE that BITCH Belinda

more than any human being has ever hated any

other human being in the history of the world.

 

Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader.

If there was a part of my body I could move

without unbearable pain,

I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps.

 

I don't have any triceps!

 

And, BITCH, if you don't want dents in the floor,

don't hand me the M----- F----- barbells or anything

 that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed

on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn't it have been someone softer,

like the drama coach or the choir director?

 

 

>SATURDAY

 

>Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,

shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.

 Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.

However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote

and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

 

>SUNDAY

 

>I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today

so I can go and

thank GOD that this week is over.

 I will also pray that next year my wife (THE BITCH)

 will choose a gift for me that is –

 

 

 

 

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FUN 

 
     

     

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LIKE A

ROOT CANAL 

 
     

     

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OR A

VASECTOMY 

 
     

     

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MUSIC VIDEOS 

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MOM,

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SOME FAMILY FAVORITES:

 

ORIGINAL-MASON WILLIAMS-CLASSICAL GAS 1968

A TWIST OF  CLASSICAL GAS

THE ALAN PARSONS PROJECT - STANDING ON HIGHER GROUND (1987)

ALAN PARSONS SIRIUS - EYE IN THE SKY

ALAN PARSONS PROJECT OLD AND WISE

MAN OF LA MANCHA-RICHARD KILEY

 

EMERSON-LAKE-PALMER: STILL YOU TURN ME ON

EMERSON,LAKE AND PALMER-FANFARE FOR THE COMMON MAN

EMERSON LAKE & PALMER PAPER BLOOD LIVE

EMERSON LAKE & PALMER C'EST LA VIE

EMERSON-LAKE-PALMER PIRATES

 

MIKE AND THE MECHANICS THE LIVING YEARS LIVE

DON'T - MIKE & THE MECHANICS

NOBODY'S PERFECT

 

JOAQUÍN RODRIGO: CONCIERTO DE ARANJUEZ

MILES DAVIS: CONCIERTO DE ARANJUEZ

PACO DE LUCIA: CONCIERTO DE ARANJUEZ

 

GLASGOW CELTIC FANS - YOU'LL NEVER WALK ALONE

CELTIC WOMAN - CHLOE AGNEW - WALKING IN THE AIR

CELTIC WOMAN LIVE - SHE MOVED THRU THE FAIR

 

TEARS FOR FEARS - SHOUT (1984)

FLEETWOOD MAC - STEVIE NICKS - GOLD DUST WOMAN

FLEETWOOD MAC - STEVIE NICKS - GOLD DUST WOMAN

CHUCK MANGIONE - CHASE THE CLOUDS AWAY

3 DOORS DOWN – KRYPTONITE –

 

ALANIS MORISSETTE "YOU OUGHTA KNOW"

ALANIS MORISSETTE - SIMPLE TOGETHER

ALANIS MORISSETTE - MERCY

 

 

JEFFERSON AIRPLANE - WHITE RABBIT (WOODSTOCK 1969)

FIFTH DIMENSION-AQUARIUS

HENDRIX-MORRISON LAMENT

STING - DESERT ROSE

STING – BRAND NEW DAY

 

THE MOODY BLUES - NIGHTS IN WHITE SATIN´67

MOODY BLUES/I'M JUST A SINGER

JETHRO TULL LOCOMOTIVE BREATH

SUPERTRAMP

PHII COLLINS

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CAROLE KING-NATURAL WOMAN

CAROLE KING/JAMES TAYLOR-YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND

CAROLE KING-I FEEL THE EARTH MOVE

 

CARLY SIMON-LET THE RIVER RUN

CARLY SIMON-COMING AROUND AGAIN

CARLY SIMON-YOU'RE SO VAIN

 

THE WHO - WHO ARE YOU? – THE 70s

CASINO ROYALE HERB ALPERT

A TASTE OF HONEY/ HERB ALBERT AND HIS TIJUANA BRASS

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN-

STREETS OF PHILADELPHIA

 

ACE OF BASE "EDGE OF HEAVEN"

"AUTUMN LEAVES" WITH FRANK SINATRA

DUSTY SPRINGFIELD-LOOK OF LOVE

EUROPA (EARTH'S CRY HEAVEN'S SMILE) – GATO BARBIERI

PACHELBEL'S CANON IN D MAJOR

 

SAIL ON SAILOR BEACH BOYS 1988 AND 1977

SAIL ON SAILOR BEACH BOYS 1988 AND 1977

GOOD VIBRATIONS

WISHING YOU WERE HERE

 

LIVE TO TELL - MADONNA

THIS USED TO BE MY PLAYGROUND - MADONNA

 

FREE BIRD - LYNYRD SKYNYRD

THE WHO - EMINENCE FRONT (1982)

BUGLE BOY - BETTE MIDLER

 

PAVAROTTI AND FRIENDS-ALL FOR LOVE

DAVE STEWART/CANDY DULFER-LILY WAS HERE

JOHN BARRY-OUT OF AFRICA

DANNY KAYE-THE PELLET WITH THE POISON

ABBOTT-COSTELLO "WHO'S ON FIRST"

PUTTIN' ON THE RITZ-YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN

 

PUTTIN' ON THE RITZ-FRED ASTAIRE

SINGING IN THE RAIN-GENE KELLY

CASABLANCA-TIME GOES BY

GONE WITH THE WIND

TARA'S THEME

 

ROD STEWART-IN MY HEART

HAVE YOU EVER REALLY LOVED A WOMAN-BRYAN ADAMS

"DANCE ME TO THE END OF LOVE" LEONARD COHEN

LED ZEPPELIN - STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN

 

PROCOL HARUM - CONQUISTADOR - ROCKPALAZT 1976

PROCOL HARUM - A WHITER SHADE OF PALE 1967

 

THE CARPENTERS - WE'VE ONLY JUST BEGUN(SULLIVAN,1970)

BURT BACHARACH MEDLEY

DAVID BOWIE: SPACE ODDITY

ELTON JOHN - FUNERAL FOR A FRIEND / LOVE LIES

JOE COCKER - FEELIN' ALRIGHT

OLIVER

YOU'VE LOST THAT LOVIN' FEELIN'

 

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CASINO ROYALE- MOVIE END

CASINO ROYALE THEME 

CCR BAD MOON RISING

T * R * A * F * F * I * C " Glad "

LOVE UNLIMITED - LOVE'S THEME

MEMORY-ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER

 

THE FOUR TOPS - REACH OUT I'LL BE THERE

TEMPTATIONS CAN'T GET NEXT TO YOU

FOUR TOPS-STANDING IN THE SHADOWS OF LOVE

 

ELVIS PRESLEY - SUSPICIOUS MINDS (LIVE HAWAII)

NAT & NATALIE COLE "UNFORGETTABLE

VIVALDI - 4 SEASONS

ROBERTA FLACK - KILLING ME SOFTLY WITH HIS SONG

SERGEI RACHMANINOV - RHAPSODY ON A THEME OF PAGANINI

 DAVID BOWIE-THIS IS NOT AMERICA

PAT METHENY-THIS IS NOT AMERICA

 

RICHARD HARRIS - MACARTHUR PARK

 DONNA SUMMER VERSION- MACARTHUR PARK

 

 SERGIO MENDES & BRASIL '66 - LOOK OF LOVE

DIONNE WARWICK - ( THEME FROM ) VALLEY OF THE DOLLS

MICHEL LEGRAND/CARR (SUMMER KNOWS)

MICHEL LEGRAND/FELICIANO (WINDMILLS)

  LITTLE DRUMMER BOY", DAVID BOWIE AND BING CROSBY

THE BEATLES - THE FOOL ON THE HILL

THE BEATLES-HEY JUDE

SHIRLEY BASSEY – GOLDFINGER – JOHN BARRY – THE BEST AROUND!

 

MOODY BLUES - STORY IN YOUR EYES

MOODY BLUES – FOR MY LADY

MOODY BLUES – TWILIGHT TIME

POLICE – SYNCHRONICITY

 

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EAGLE-HOTEL CALIFORNIA

LEAVING ON A JET PLANE

JANIS JOPLIN -ME AND BOBBY MCGEE

JOHNNY CASH-ME AND BOBBY MCGEE

SEAL - KISS FROM A ROSE (BATMAN FOREVER VERSION)

FOREIGNER - COLD AS ICE

YES – ROUNDABOUT

PINK CADILLAC 

 

ERIC CLAPTON, TINA TURNER ,PHIL COLLINS

DURAN DURAN-DO YOU BELIEVE IN SHAME?

ROLLING STONES "YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT" 1969

 THE MAN THAT GOT AWAY – JUDY GARLAND  

AMERICA - VENTURA HIGHWAY (LIVE 1974)/HORSE WITH NO NAME

AMERICA - VENTURA HIGHWAY (LIVE 1974)/HORSE WITH NO NAME

SIMON AND GARFUNKEL-AMERICA

SIMON AND GARFUNKEL-THE BOXER

 

FRANK SINATRA-FLY ME TO THE MOON

FRANK SINATRA-MY WAY

FRANK SINATRA-I’VE GOT YOU UNDER MY SKIN

FRANK SINATRA-I WON’T DANCE

BOBBY DARIN-MACK THE KNIFE

BING CROSBY-WHITE CHRISTMAS

WALK ON BY – DIONNE WARWICK

 

MOM'S FAVORITES:

KENNETH MCKELLAR & ROD STEWART

AULD LANG SYNE BY KENNETH MCKELLAR

GRANNY'S HIGHLAND HAME BY KENNETH MCKELLAR

MAN WITHOUT LOVE BY KENNETH MCKELLAR

MAGGIE MAY-ROD STEWART

DAVID BOWIE-YOUNG AMERICANS

 

 

THE AVENGERS   

MRS. PEEL -- DIANA RIGG - A CLASS ACT! 

SECRET LOVE "DORIS DAY" 

CALAMITY JANE- DORIS DAY-HOWARD KEEL

MY HEROES -- YOU GO GIRLS!!

 

MOM AND ME - OUR FAVORITES:

 

Somewhere over the Rainbow

(JUDY GARLAND)

RICHARD KILEY-IMPOSSIBLE DREAM

C’EST LA VIE!

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A few CLASSICS...

 

maybe a bit overboard, ah well, BEATS the HELL out of the bubble gum music of today though!  Don't even get me started about the CRAP that they call movies today,

PUH-LEEZE!

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Now that's MUSIC! 

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