>Dear
Diary,
>For
my 65th birthday this year, my wife (THE DEAR) purchased
a week
of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although
I am still in great shape since playing
on
my college tennis team 45 years ago,
I decided
it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called
the club and made my reservations
with
a personal trainer named Belinda,
who
identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor
and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My
wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The
club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
>MONDAY
>Started
my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed,
but
found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find
Belinda
waiting for me.
She
is something of a Greek goddess –
with
blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo
Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
She
took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.
She
was alarmed that my pulse was so fast,
but
I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit.
I
enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted
her
aerobics class after my workout today.
Very
inspiring!
Belinda
was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
all
though my gut was already aching from holding it in
the
whole time she was around.
This
is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
>TUESDAY
>I
drank a whole pot of coffee,
but
I finally made it out the door.
Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar
into
the air -- then she put weights on it!
My
legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but
I made the full mile.
Belinda's
rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I
feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
>WEDNESDAY
>The
only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush
on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.
I
believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
Driving
was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.
I
parked on top of a LEXUS in the club parking lot.
Belinda
was impatient with me,
insisting
that my screams bothered other club members.
Her
voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
and
when she scolds,
She
gets this nasally whine that is VERY ANNOYING.
My
chest hurt when I got on the treadmill,
so
Belinda put me on the stair monster.
Why
the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She
said some other SHIT, too.